Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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