Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
