I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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