i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
4 words: hood of his car
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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