You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed