He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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