Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
