he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
