Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
