i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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