So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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