i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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