yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
