I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
