I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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