She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
