and i looked up. we had an audience...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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