Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
