By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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