So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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