Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
