I faked an abortion last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
