No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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