You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
