4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
