So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
