I wish I could punch you in the face.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
