apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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