if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
