Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
