ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
