I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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