why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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