Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
