life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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