my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.