I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.