I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.