If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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