They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
