I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize