genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
