I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
