You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
