imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
