I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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