I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
