I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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