I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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