Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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