and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
