KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
