Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
