ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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