Who did Billy Mays play for?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
