life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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