it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
