my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
