I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
