it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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