Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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