yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
