I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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